Separation Anxiety and Divorce

When my children were very young, I worried about separation anxiety and the possible long-term effects it may have. A child’s natural instinct is to cling to their caregivers, especially their parents, and express their emotional needs, as well as physical. And, when they are away from their caregiver, it is also natural for them to express it through crying, temper tantrums, etc. I used a great day-care to help my children with separation. I also did not run back to them when they started crying and reaching out for attention, which would be two steps in the wrong direction. A parent needs to be emotionally strong and commit to what is essentially weaning their child, so that they can become part of the community around them. Soothing their fears and communicating your eventual return is important, but consistency and frequency help children learn that they will not be abandoned.

Separation and divorce bring separation anxiety to another level. Now, the emotional catalyst for the anxiety is on the parent’s shoulders, because they caused it. I made the mistake of comforting myself through the children, and fortunately it was only a brief period. Placing my emotions, looking for comfort through my children was a burden far too great for them, and can have detrimental effects for the development. I learned, through the help of an excellent mental health professional, how to grieve and let go of the anger caused by divorce. Using the children as a emotional crutch would never have allowed me to heal and “move on” with my current emotional relationship.

Finding the ways to cope with loss helped me overcome the trauma of divorce, and allowed me the emotional well-being to help my children deal with loss. I express my feelings and show them that it is healthy to express their feelings. Of course, it hurts when they are sad or angry. Their feelings mirror the same feeling when they were young and needed to understand that I would never abandon them. The separation is only temporary. Today, they are much better at expressing their feelings and understanding that we will always be together, just not every day.

Smile: It Just Feels Better

This week I am reminded to always smile when I am frustrated or angry, especially when I am with my children or talking to them over the phone. Research shows that a simple smile changes mood and the tone in our voice. The simple modification of turning that frown upside can also be contagious. Your children can feel your stress after a long day at work, missed opportunities still lingering in your head, or frustration with your ex-spouse. 

I remember a trip to a theme park, just me and my two kids. They were younger then, and a little more challenging to entertain their short attention spans. Of course, a theme park has rides, but to get to the rides we had to stand in line. Some families saw lines as an obstacle and cut. An affront of this nature upset me and the kids. My oldest questioned their actions aloud, thankfully within earshot of the offenders, but that did little to reverse their actions. I’m sure we’ve all had this happen, and it made us angry, sometimes verbally, hopefully never physically. I know I was angry, because my tone of voice changed, my body language, too. Even though I never confronted these people, nor did I say any disparaging remarks, my oldest picked up on my frustration and became “antsy,” which made his toddler aged sister start to wander. Neither would listen to me. They felt my frustration with the conflict that arose. Instead of waiting patiently with me, they wanted to wander away from me.

Remember, the best way to communicate with your children is through positive and loving interaction. Understanding the implications of your emotions effects and how you convey them. If you are experiencing a lot of stress, try to compartmentalize your feelings, and express them after the kids go to bed.

Divorce: Communicating With Your "Ex"

Co-Parenting and Communication

As I discussed last week, giving your children concrete knowledge of their schedule is important. Questions about “when” and “where” are easily answered through a physical calendar. This week is about communicating with your ex-spouse, now your co-parent. I know it can the most frustrating thing to do on the planet, but it has to be done for the benefit of the children. Co-parenting is the best option after divorce. In high conflict cases, communicating becomes nearly impossible. If you fit into high conflict divorce, find the guidance of professional help to build a healthy environment for the children. Parallel Parenting is probably the best relationship for you. There are hybrid parenting models that may suit your needs. It might be more healthy for you to cherry-pick a few aspects of Parallel parenting for your Businesslike Parenting model. Maintaining a friendly or cordial manner between each other means your children will not feel responsible for the conflict between you, and they will not feel the need to choose sides.

I try to remember these three things when communicating with my “ex” to help alleviate the stress and anxiety my children are feeling:

1. “This is for the benefit of the children”

Always remember the children are why you need to speak, text, or email your co-parent. Try to communicate when you are relaxed and ready, not after a busy day of meetings and gridlock on the roads. You do your best every day at work, so try to do your best for your children. Compartmentalize your anger and frustration before speaking with your “ex”. Keep the insults and emotions locked in a box when calling or typing.

2. “Keep it short and to the point”

Children need to know when and where they are supposed to be. Before the date is set on the calendar, both parents need to communicate dates, times, and costs. Simple, well-constructed emails can do this. It is your responsibility to have everything they need and get them there on time. Your “ex” is not your secretary. In order to avoid conflict and blame, you cannot rely on them. So, step-up your game and gather as many details about extra-curricular activities and school events as possible. Email their teachers and talk to their coaches. Show them that you are an involved parent, and your kids will see it too.

3. “Consistent, relevant communication”

Sharing information with your co-parent is very important, especially before exchanges between homes. Needs differ for all children, and keeping “in-the-loop” is essential to their health and well-being. Let your co-parent know when the children are sick, been to the doctor and their medicine, or have a major project due at school and where they are in the process of getting it done. Avoid talking about past events, regardless of their nature (good or bad). This keeps issues moving forward. Don’t engage in any battles whatsoever. See #1 if this occurs. Remember to give deadlines in advance. And, do not make any decisions about the children in front of the children. Let them be kids and not involved with decision making that is best left to parents. Also, frequent communication can be perceived as harassment. Plan a night or two during the week to address co-parenting concerns. Communicate only when important and relevant matters arise.

The links I’ve provided offer only a small glance at the amount of information available. Do some research, and become a better co-parent. Your kids will love you for it.

Communicating The Schedule

Divorce: The Monthly Schedule

Communication maintains a healthy environment for children within a divorced family. They need to know what days they spend with Mom, and the days they spend with Dad. Use a white-board calendar and color the days: have the kids color the days for Mom and Dad; write important dates as well as holidays; day off school and summer camps. The calendar should be hung in a place where it is easy to view. Also, keeping it up to date makes it relevant, especially when adults have calendars on their phones, computers and other technology. Online calendars are great for parents, but kids need something they can touch and contribute to. I think you will be surprised with how young children, ages 4 and up, are able to understand the patterns in the colors, getting a sense of days and weeks and months. Now that you have a calendar set up, every time you’re asked about the schedule, you can say, “What does the calendar say?” Giving the kids a consistent environment is a healthy and positive way for them to adjust to their two homes.

What you want to avoid is using the children as messengers between Mom and Dad. Any changes to the schedule need to be through an email or text message or phone call between parents. The changes can be made to the calendar once both parents are aware, so as to keep confusion for the kids to a minimum, therefore, relieving their anxiety. A divorced home is anxious enough, no need to make it more so. This is true for extracurricular activities, and birthday parties, or other events that come up regularly. If your child comes home with an invitation to a party not on your scheduled weekend, say something like, “That’s great, I’m glad to see you’re excited. It looks like a lot of fun,” acknowledging their feelings. Refrain from saying negative comments about their Mom. Then point out, “According to the calendar, this is during your Mom’s weekend. Let’s keep the invitation in your backpack, so she can see it.” Telling them they can go, and should go, but it’s up to their Mom, or you will take them if their Mom won’t is not fair. She becomes the bad parent if they are unable to go. This is a form of parental alienation. If this occurs over time, the children will see their Mom in a negative light. This example seems to be less severe than outright negative comments about their Mom, and it is, but it is just as hurtful to the family dynamic. Some professionals, and I tend to agree with them, consider this to be a form of child abuse. You cannot control what goes on at Mom’s house, and vice versa.

Even in very-low conflict divorce situations, your children are sad and angry and have emotions that run the spectrum. Take the time to talk to them. Learn how to listen and allow them to express their feelings. Another big step in being a great Dad is to learn how to acknowledge their feelings. Reflecting back what they say makes them feel like you “get it,” and “you understand.” Maybe you do understand, maybe you don’t, that’s okay, too. Life’s complicated. Here is a link for you to better understand Reflective Listening. Who knows, it may even help you at work. I have to say that the same applies to married families, as well. A schedule and good listening go a long way to creating a healthy family.

Back-to-School

Back-to-School; The Return of Blogging Season

The end of summer, not officially of course, is here; the kids are in school, and our favorite TV shows will be reappearing. This also marks the beginning of another season of blogging about being a Dad that spends a good deal of his time taking care of his children.

This season is about divorce and how to handle the many areas of concern when little ones are involved. Divorce is like having a death in the family, there is a deep sense of emotional loss for everyone concerned. I have recently gone through a divorce, and this is first hand experience, not expert knowledge. If you are looking for expert advice, find a great therapist. In the Tampa Bay area, Harmony Us is one of the best. Outside of Tampa and Florida, I suggest going to PsychologyToday  to find an expert in your area. You can also check with your health insurance to see which provider can best suit your needs. An easy search for therapists begins with location and whether or not they take children or handle divorce.

There are many stages of divorce and a great deal happens prior to the judge signing off on the stack of papers declaring the marriage over. In the coming weeks, I will be focusing on those stages that the parents, as well as the children, encounter during a typical day. I will also try to keep each post relevant for readers not going through divorce, because there are parenting strategies used that help everyone, regardless of their situation. Again, I am not an expert. Writing this blog reinforces my knowledge about the situation I am in, and it helps me further my research into other parenting techniques I was not aware of.

Household Rules

Until recently, the household rules I established for my children have been rolling around in my head, inconsistently enforced, and never written down for anyone to see, which led to many behavioral issues around the home. They had no problems at school, where there are many rules and they follow them very well. I struggled to understand why they were having a hard time at home. And the reason was that they needed an environment where they knew their boundaries. Much of my failing to implement this comes from being in survival mode after a stressful divorce and transition period. I didn’t want to be the disciplinarian, especially after a traumatic event for the children. However, I learned and saw their resilience during this period, and knew a routine, during what must seem to them a chaotic life, going between two homes, would deliver a sense of security.

With the help of my partner, and my counselor, we were able to create a short list of rules and daily chores for the kids to follow, and a rewards/punishment system for them, as well. We charted out the rules prior to meeting with the kids, so we could have a clear understanding of what we wanted to achieve, what environment would be good for them and us. After having our list, we sat down with the kids for a family conference.

One of the ways to have kids buy-in with rules is to have them participate in making them, giving them ownership of their ideas and behavior. We had our list, and, within five minutes, they had three of the five rules we made. Each rule was discussed at length. Examples of good behavior were discussed, and current poor behavior that went against the rules. One of our rules, not one they thought of, is respect each other, and the goal is to put an end to the bickering and name calling in the home. Simple and to the point. Elaborate or lengthy rules are difficult for young children to understand, and difficult for parents to enforce. The list is in big letters on poster board for them to easily read.

The reward/punishment system ties into their allowance, and eliminates their getting gifts regardless of their behavior. They earn their allowance, and lose a portion of it when they fail to follow the rules or complete their chores. Several goals behind the reward system are to encourage proper behavior, reinforce proper behavior, and understand consequences for improper behavior. Follow a rule, get rewarded. Break a rule, take away reward. The taking away is the hardest part, and results in varying degrees of drama, but they will learn, just like they have at school.

It’s not a lot of money, which also ties into my goal of them learning how to save money over time. While growing up, I had the opportunity to make money when I was 8, delivering newspapers with my brothers. I opened my savings account and deposited money with my dad every chance I could, until I was old enough to go to the arcade, but that is a whole other story. Saving money is difficult, especially for kids today, because they are bombarded with product messaging and impulse buying. These can be controlled, just like implementing rules, and provides them with a head start as adults.

Food Advice for Dads

I consider myself lucky to have had children later in life, rather than earlier. My first came when I was in my mid-thirties. Prior to his arrival, I ate everything I wanted and gained a few pounds here and there, but never getting out of reach of a diet. Then, around thirty-five, my metabolism left me. I gained weight and expanded my waistline beyond a muffin top, but not to spare tire size. No diet worked. The Atkins diet was dangerous. I had seen people pass out at work because of it. I wasn’t going there. Starvation was out, I like food—a lot. I felt exhausted at the end of the day, which led to other issues. I was lucky because if they were older when I lost my metabolism, getting back to being healthy would have been extremely difficult.

I had to change my lifestyle, which coincided with the birth of my second child. I researched books on nutrition, but they contained what I had already learned since college. Nothing helped. A good friend of mine sent me a book, In Defense of Food, by Michael Pollan. Then, I read Fast Food Nation, by Eric Schlosser, and changed my weekly visit to McDonald’s, Arby’s, Chix-fil-a, and a whole slew of others. With confidence, I can say that I have not been to Taco Bell since 2005. Before 2005, a six-pack or ten-pack of tacos was a favorite lunch, when I had a metabolism. I also read The Omnivore’s Dilemma, by Pollan. These allowed me to reflect upon my world, the world my children will grow up in and how I can make the right decisions for their future. 

Nutritional information is everywhere. By law, labels deliver percentages of what we are about to eat. Every box has the information we need for proper eating according to the government. There are books on nutrition beyond counting. Trying to figure out which one is best requires a doctorate. Go to Amazon and see for yourself. And, when it comes to children, there are over 5,000 books on children and their nutritional needs. It’s becoming overload.

Four years ago, I also began an exercise regimen. As a stay-at-home dad, this helped to increase my testosterone levels and give me more energy at the end of the day. My healthy future is tied to theirs, and when I am sixty-five, retired and watching grandchildren, I will be running around with their babies, as much as I am today.

I found the best way to feed my kids is to have them see what I eat, a lot of vegetables, some pasta or bread, fish, chicken and red meat once every two weeks. I always have raw and cooked vegetables for meals and snacks. I think it’s impossible to keep them away from processed or fast food. And, I’m still guilty of grabbing a bag of chips or fast food, but we do it on such a rare occasion that if everyone did the same, these corporate food centers would be out of business. The majority of the time we are eating the right foods, five ingredients or less on the label and fresh organic produce.

It worked. These changes take time and patience. The other night, my five-year-old made a salad with her dinner and ate it all. She will eat raw vegetables, like broccoli and cucumbers. Lead through example, and as a parent, we lead even when we are doing the most perfunctory of things, like eating.