Parenthood and Poop

As a stay-at-home Dad, raising two babies from infancy to toddlerdom and beyond, I have encountered many bodily fluids. Terms of my employment, it’s in the contract. I don’t embrace them, I accept them as a natural course of events. Much like when you look at your job description and the very bottom says, “5% other duties as directed by management.” Not something you look forward to and sometimes it’s much more than 5%, but you do what needs to be done for the good of the family, the team and the corporation.

Infant boys are hilarious, especially during a diaper change. Lay them down, ever so gently on their changing table, or on a blanket on the floor, pull off their diaper and almost immediately an arc of pee flies before you have enough time to cover it with a towel. It’s funny. It’s pee.

Infants throw-up a lot. It’s like training you for when they become toddlers and puke their half digested hotdog and mac’n’cheese on you. Oh, and don’t forget the chocolate milk. My heart goes out to any parent with a sick child, because I know they will soon be sick and, if they are really lucky, puked on, too. I’ve had a child walk into my bedroom, at four in the morning it’s difficult to move quickly, crying, upset, and sick, puking on me before I had time to react.

The same training occurs when dealing with poop. As infants, it’s almost cute, like Bill Cosby’s poo poo joke. Counting BMs throughout the day slowly turns to will this child ever have less than 4 BMs in a day. Buying diapers in bulk, I stacked them everywhere and always kept reserves in the car. The worst part of dealing with fecal matter comes with a toddler that itches their backside, finds poop on their hands and uses the wall for a towel. My encounters with poop have allowed me to coin a new term for the English lexicon:

Poopisode: |poōpˌiˌsōd|

Noun

An event with a child defecating, typically occurring at an inopportune time, such as a special event, shopping, or washing the dog.

Usage: During the last professional hockey game I took my wonderful two children, my little girl rushed us to the bathroom at the start of sudden death overtime against the Capitals. And while we, my son and I, waited patiently for her to finish defecating in a proper facility, the entire arena exploded with applause and the siren sounded the sudden end of the game. This was poopisode #248.

I have to admit, some of the poopisodes prior to #248 were more challenging. Potty training brought a bulk of the poopisodes, more than I can count, and in some of the worst places, like the indoor playground of a fast food place, or the mall. But, it’s #248 that I got a picture.