Household Rules

Until recently, the household rules I established for my children have been rolling around in my head, inconsistently enforced, and never written down for anyone to see, which led to many behavioral issues around the home. They had no problems at school, where there are many rules and they follow them very well. I struggled to understand why they were having a hard time at home. And the reason was that they needed an environment where they knew their boundaries. Much of my failing to implement this comes from being in survival mode after a stressful divorce and transition period. I didn’t want to be the disciplinarian, especially after a traumatic event for the children. However, I learned and saw their resilience during this period, and knew a routine, during what must seem to them a chaotic life, going between two homes, would deliver a sense of security.

With the help of my partner, and my counselor, we were able to create a short list of rules and daily chores for the kids to follow, and a rewards/punishment system for them, as well. We charted out the rules prior to meeting with the kids, so we could have a clear understanding of what we wanted to achieve, what environment would be good for them and us. After having our list, we sat down with the kids for a family conference.

One of the ways to have kids buy-in with rules is to have them participate in making them, giving them ownership of their ideas and behavior. We had our list, and, within five minutes, they had three of the five rules we made. Each rule was discussed at length. Examples of good behavior were discussed, and current poor behavior that went against the rules. One of our rules, not one they thought of, is respect each other, and the goal is to put an end to the bickering and name calling in the home. Simple and to the point. Elaborate or lengthy rules are difficult for young children to understand, and difficult for parents to enforce. The list is in big letters on poster board for them to easily read.

The reward/punishment system ties into their allowance, and eliminates their getting gifts regardless of their behavior. They earn their allowance, and lose a portion of it when they fail to follow the rules or complete their chores. Several goals behind the reward system are to encourage proper behavior, reinforce proper behavior, and understand consequences for improper behavior. Follow a rule, get rewarded. Break a rule, take away reward. The taking away is the hardest part, and results in varying degrees of drama, but they will learn, just like they have at school.

It’s not a lot of money, which also ties into my goal of them learning how to save money over time. While growing up, I had the opportunity to make money when I was 8, delivering newspapers with my brothers. I opened my savings account and deposited money with my dad every chance I could, until I was old enough to go to the arcade, but that is a whole other story. Saving money is difficult, especially for kids today, because they are bombarded with product messaging and impulse buying. These can be controlled, just like implementing rules, and provides them with a head start as adults.