Separation Anxiety and Divorce

When my children were very young, I worried about separation anxiety and the possible long-term effects it may have. A child’s natural instinct is to cling to their caregivers, especially their parents, and express their emotional needs, as well as physical. And, when they are away from their caregiver, it is also natural for them to express it through crying, temper tantrums, etc. I used a great day-care to help my children with separation. I also did not run back to them when they started crying and reaching out for attention, which would be two steps in the wrong direction. A parent needs to be emotionally strong and commit to what is essentially weaning their child, so that they can become part of the community around them. Soothing their fears and communicating your eventual return is important, but consistency and frequency help children learn that they will not be abandoned.

Separation and divorce bring separation anxiety to another level. Now, the emotional catalyst for the anxiety is on the parent’s shoulders, because they caused it. I made the mistake of comforting myself through the children, and fortunately it was only a brief period. Placing my emotions, looking for comfort through my children was a burden far too great for them, and can have detrimental effects for the development. I learned, through the help of an excellent mental health professional, how to grieve and let go of the anger caused by divorce. Using the children as a emotional crutch would never have allowed me to heal and “move on” with my current emotional relationship.

Finding the ways to cope with loss helped me overcome the trauma of divorce, and allowed me the emotional well-being to help my children deal with loss. I express my feelings and show them that it is healthy to express their feelings. Of course, it hurts when they are sad or angry. Their feelings mirror the same feeling when they were young and needed to understand that I would never abandon them. The separation is only temporary. Today, they are much better at expressing their feelings and understanding that we will always be together, just not every day.

Smile: It Just Feels Better

This week I am reminded to always smile when I am frustrated or angry, especially when I am with my children or talking to them over the phone. Research shows that a simple smile changes mood and the tone in our voice. The simple modification of turning that frown upside can also be contagious. Your children can feel your stress after a long day at work, missed opportunities still lingering in your head, or frustration with your ex-spouse. 

I remember a trip to a theme park, just me and my two kids. They were younger then, and a little more challenging to entertain their short attention spans. Of course, a theme park has rides, but to get to the rides we had to stand in line. Some families saw lines as an obstacle and cut. An affront of this nature upset me and the kids. My oldest questioned their actions aloud, thankfully within earshot of the offenders, but that did little to reverse their actions. I’m sure we’ve all had this happen, and it made us angry, sometimes verbally, hopefully never physically. I know I was angry, because my tone of voice changed, my body language, too. Even though I never confronted these people, nor did I say any disparaging remarks, my oldest picked up on my frustration and became “antsy,” which made his toddler aged sister start to wander. Neither would listen to me. They felt my frustration with the conflict that arose. Instead of waiting patiently with me, they wanted to wander away from me.

Remember, the best way to communicate with your children is through positive and loving interaction. Understanding the implications of your emotions effects and how you convey them. If you are experiencing a lot of stress, try to compartmentalize your feelings, and express them after the kids go to bed.

Divorce: Communicating With Your "Ex"

Co-Parenting and Communication

As I discussed last week, giving your children concrete knowledge of their schedule is important. Questions about “when” and “where” are easily answered through a physical calendar. This week is about communicating with your ex-spouse, now your co-parent. I know it can the most frustrating thing to do on the planet, but it has to be done for the benefit of the children. Co-parenting is the best option after divorce. In high conflict cases, communicating becomes nearly impossible. If you fit into high conflict divorce, find the guidance of professional help to build a healthy environment for the children. Parallel Parenting is probably the best relationship for you. There are hybrid parenting models that may suit your needs. It might be more healthy for you to cherry-pick a few aspects of Parallel parenting for your Businesslike Parenting model. Maintaining a friendly or cordial manner between each other means your children will not feel responsible for the conflict between you, and they will not feel the need to choose sides.

I try to remember these three things when communicating with my “ex” to help alleviate the stress and anxiety my children are feeling:

1. “This is for the benefit of the children”

Always remember the children are why you need to speak, text, or email your co-parent. Try to communicate when you are relaxed and ready, not after a busy day of meetings and gridlock on the roads. You do your best every day at work, so try to do your best for your children. Compartmentalize your anger and frustration before speaking with your “ex”. Keep the insults and emotions locked in a box when calling or typing.

2. “Keep it short and to the point”

Children need to know when and where they are supposed to be. Before the date is set on the calendar, both parents need to communicate dates, times, and costs. Simple, well-constructed emails can do this. It is your responsibility to have everything they need and get them there on time. Your “ex” is not your secretary. In order to avoid conflict and blame, you cannot rely on them. So, step-up your game and gather as many details about extra-curricular activities and school events as possible. Email their teachers and talk to their coaches. Show them that you are an involved parent, and your kids will see it too.

3. “Consistent, relevant communication”

Sharing information with your co-parent is very important, especially before exchanges between homes. Needs differ for all children, and keeping “in-the-loop” is essential to their health and well-being. Let your co-parent know when the children are sick, been to the doctor and their medicine, or have a major project due at school and where they are in the process of getting it done. Avoid talking about past events, regardless of their nature (good or bad). This keeps issues moving forward. Don’t engage in any battles whatsoever. See #1 if this occurs. Remember to give deadlines in advance. And, do not make any decisions about the children in front of the children. Let them be kids and not involved with decision making that is best left to parents. Also, frequent communication can be perceived as harassment. Plan a night or two during the week to address co-parenting concerns. Communicate only when important and relevant matters arise.

The links I’ve provided offer only a small glance at the amount of information available. Do some research, and become a better co-parent. Your kids will love you for it.

Communicating The Schedule

Divorce: The Monthly Schedule

Communication maintains a healthy environment for children within a divorced family. They need to know what days they spend with Mom, and the days they spend with Dad. Use a white-board calendar and color the days: have the kids color the days for Mom and Dad; write important dates as well as holidays; day off school and summer camps. The calendar should be hung in a place where it is easy to view. Also, keeping it up to date makes it relevant, especially when adults have calendars on their phones, computers and other technology. Online calendars are great for parents, but kids need something they can touch and contribute to. I think you will be surprised with how young children, ages 4 and up, are able to understand the patterns in the colors, getting a sense of days and weeks and months. Now that you have a calendar set up, every time you’re asked about the schedule, you can say, “What does the calendar say?” Giving the kids a consistent environment is a healthy and positive way for them to adjust to their two homes.

What you want to avoid is using the children as messengers between Mom and Dad. Any changes to the schedule need to be through an email or text message or phone call between parents. The changes can be made to the calendar once both parents are aware, so as to keep confusion for the kids to a minimum, therefore, relieving their anxiety. A divorced home is anxious enough, no need to make it more so. This is true for extracurricular activities, and birthday parties, or other events that come up regularly. If your child comes home with an invitation to a party not on your scheduled weekend, say something like, “That’s great, I’m glad to see you’re excited. It looks like a lot of fun,” acknowledging their feelings. Refrain from saying negative comments about their Mom. Then point out, “According to the calendar, this is during your Mom’s weekend. Let’s keep the invitation in your backpack, so she can see it.” Telling them they can go, and should go, but it’s up to their Mom, or you will take them if their Mom won’t is not fair. She becomes the bad parent if they are unable to go. This is a form of parental alienation. If this occurs over time, the children will see their Mom in a negative light. This example seems to be less severe than outright negative comments about their Mom, and it is, but it is just as hurtful to the family dynamic. Some professionals, and I tend to agree with them, consider this to be a form of child abuse. You cannot control what goes on at Mom’s house, and vice versa.

Even in very-low conflict divorce situations, your children are sad and angry and have emotions that run the spectrum. Take the time to talk to them. Learn how to listen and allow them to express their feelings. Another big step in being a great Dad is to learn how to acknowledge their feelings. Reflecting back what they say makes them feel like you “get it,” and “you understand.” Maybe you do understand, maybe you don’t, that’s okay, too. Life’s complicated. Here is a link for you to better understand Reflective Listening. Who knows, it may even help you at work. I have to say that the same applies to married families, as well. A schedule and good listening go a long way to creating a healthy family.