Communicating The Schedule

Divorce: The Monthly Schedule

Communication maintains a healthy environment for children within a divorced family. They need to know what days they spend with Mom, and the days they spend with Dad. Use a white-board calendar and color the days: have the kids color the days for Mom and Dad; write important dates as well as holidays; day off school and summer camps. The calendar should be hung in a place where it is easy to view. Also, keeping it up to date makes it relevant, especially when adults have calendars on their phones, computers and other technology. Online calendars are great for parents, but kids need something they can touch and contribute to. I think you will be surprised with how young children, ages 4 and up, are able to understand the patterns in the colors, getting a sense of days and weeks and months. Now that you have a calendar set up, every time you’re asked about the schedule, you can say, “What does the calendar say?” Giving the kids a consistent environment is a healthy and positive way for them to adjust to their two homes.

What you want to avoid is using the children as messengers between Mom and Dad. Any changes to the schedule need to be through an email or text message or phone call between parents. The changes can be made to the calendar once both parents are aware, so as to keep confusion for the kids to a minimum, therefore, relieving their anxiety. A divorced home is anxious enough, no need to make it more so. This is true for extracurricular activities, and birthday parties, or other events that come up regularly. If your child comes home with an invitation to a party not on your scheduled weekend, say something like, “That’s great, I’m glad to see you’re excited. It looks like a lot of fun,” acknowledging their feelings. Refrain from saying negative comments about their Mom. Then point out, “According to the calendar, this is during your Mom’s weekend. Let’s keep the invitation in your backpack, so she can see it.” Telling them they can go, and should go, but it’s up to their Mom, or you will take them if their Mom won’t is not fair. She becomes the bad parent if they are unable to go. This is a form of parental alienation. If this occurs over time, the children will see their Mom in a negative light. This example seems to be less severe than outright negative comments about their Mom, and it is, but it is just as hurtful to the family dynamic. Some professionals, and I tend to agree with them, consider this to be a form of child abuse. You cannot control what goes on at Mom’s house, and vice versa.

Even in very-low conflict divorce situations, your children are sad and angry and have emotions that run the spectrum. Take the time to talk to them. Learn how to listen and allow them to express their feelings. Another big step in being a great Dad is to learn how to acknowledge their feelings. Reflecting back what they say makes them feel like you “get it,” and “you understand.” Maybe you do understand, maybe you don’t, that’s okay, too. Life’s complicated. Here is a link for you to better understand Reflective Listening. Who knows, it may even help you at work. I have to say that the same applies to married families, as well. A schedule and good listening go a long way to creating a healthy family.