Divorce: Communicating With Your "Ex"

Co-Parenting and Communication

As I discussed last week, giving your children concrete knowledge of their schedule is important. Questions about “when” and “where” are easily answered through a physical calendar. This week is about communicating with your ex-spouse, now your co-parent. I know it can the most frustrating thing to do on the planet, but it has to be done for the benefit of the children. Co-parenting is the best option after divorce. In high conflict cases, communicating becomes nearly impossible. If you fit into high conflict divorce, find the guidance of professional help to build a healthy environment for the children. Parallel Parenting is probably the best relationship for you. There are hybrid parenting models that may suit your needs. It might be more healthy for you to cherry-pick a few aspects of Parallel parenting for your Businesslike Parenting model. Maintaining a friendly or cordial manner between each other means your children will not feel responsible for the conflict between you, and they will not feel the need to choose sides.

I try to remember these three things when communicating with my “ex” to help alleviate the stress and anxiety my children are feeling:

1. “This is for the benefit of the children”

Always remember the children are why you need to speak, text, or email your co-parent. Try to communicate when you are relaxed and ready, not after a busy day of meetings and gridlock on the roads. You do your best every day at work, so try to do your best for your children. Compartmentalize your anger and frustration before speaking with your “ex”. Keep the insults and emotions locked in a box when calling or typing.

2. “Keep it short and to the point”

Children need to know when and where they are supposed to be. Before the date is set on the calendar, both parents need to communicate dates, times, and costs. Simple, well-constructed emails can do this. It is your responsibility to have everything they need and get them there on time. Your “ex” is not your secretary. In order to avoid conflict and blame, you cannot rely on them. So, step-up your game and gather as many details about extra-curricular activities and school events as possible. Email their teachers and talk to their coaches. Show them that you are an involved parent, and your kids will see it too.

3. “Consistent, relevant communication”

Sharing information with your co-parent is very important, especially before exchanges between homes. Needs differ for all children, and keeping “in-the-loop” is essential to their health and well-being. Let your co-parent know when the children are sick, been to the doctor and their medicine, or have a major project due at school and where they are in the process of getting it done. Avoid talking about past events, regardless of their nature (good or bad). This keeps issues moving forward. Don’t engage in any battles whatsoever. See #1 if this occurs. Remember to give deadlines in advance. And, do not make any decisions about the children in front of the children. Let them be kids and not involved with decision making that is best left to parents. Also, frequent communication can be perceived as harassment. Plan a night or two during the week to address co-parenting concerns. Communicate only when important and relevant matters arise.

The links I’ve provided offer only a small glance at the amount of information available. Do some research, and become a better co-parent. Your kids will love you for it.