Separation Anxiety and Divorce

When my children were very young, I worried about separation anxiety and the possible long-term effects it may have. A child’s natural instinct is to cling to their caregivers, especially their parents, and express their emotional needs, as well as physical. And, when they are away from their caregiver, it is also natural for them to express it through crying, temper tantrums, etc. I used a great day-care to help my children with separation. I also did not run back to them when they started crying and reaching out for attention, which would be two steps in the wrong direction. A parent needs to be emotionally strong and commit to what is essentially weaning their child, so that they can become part of the community around them. Soothing their fears and communicating your eventual return is important, but consistency and frequency help children learn that they will not be abandoned.

Separation and divorce bring separation anxiety to another level. Now, the emotional catalyst for the anxiety is on the parent’s shoulders, because they caused it. I made the mistake of comforting myself through the children, and fortunately it was only a brief period. Placing my emotions, looking for comfort through my children was a burden far too great for them, and can have detrimental effects for the development. I learned, through the help of an excellent mental health professional, how to grieve and let go of the anger caused by divorce. Using the children as a emotional crutch would never have allowed me to heal and “move on” with my current emotional relationship.

Finding the ways to cope with loss helped me overcome the trauma of divorce, and allowed me the emotional well-being to help my children deal with loss. I express my feelings and show them that it is healthy to express their feelings. Of course, it hurts when they are sad or angry. Their feelings mirror the same feeling when they were young and needed to understand that I would never abandon them. The separation is only temporary. Today, they are much better at expressing their feelings and understanding that we will always be together, just not every day.

Smile: It Just Feels Better

This week I am reminded to always smile when I am frustrated or angry, especially when I am with my children or talking to them over the phone. Research shows that a simple smile changes mood and the tone in our voice. The simple modification of turning that frown upside can also be contagious. Your children can feel your stress after a long day at work, missed opportunities still lingering in your head, or frustration with your ex-spouse. 

I remember a trip to a theme park, just me and my two kids. They were younger then, and a little more challenging to entertain their short attention spans. Of course, a theme park has rides, but to get to the rides we had to stand in line. Some families saw lines as an obstacle and cut. An affront of this nature upset me and the kids. My oldest questioned their actions aloud, thankfully within earshot of the offenders, but that did little to reverse their actions. I’m sure we’ve all had this happen, and it made us angry, sometimes verbally, hopefully never physically. I know I was angry, because my tone of voice changed, my body language, too. Even though I never confronted these people, nor did I say any disparaging remarks, my oldest picked up on my frustration and became “antsy,” which made his toddler aged sister start to wander. Neither would listen to me. They felt my frustration with the conflict that arose. Instead of waiting patiently with me, they wanted to wander away from me.

Remember, the best way to communicate with your children is through positive and loving interaction. Understanding the implications of your emotions effects and how you convey them. If you are experiencing a lot of stress, try to compartmentalize your feelings, and express them after the kids go to bed.