Separation Anxiety and Divorce

When my children were very young, I worried about separation anxiety and the possible long-term effects it may have. A child’s natural instinct is to cling to their caregivers, especially their parents, and express their emotional needs, as well as physical. And, when they are away from their caregiver, it is also natural for them to express it through crying, temper tantrums, etc. I used a great day-care to help my children with separation. I also did not run back to them when they started crying and reaching out for attention, which would be two steps in the wrong direction. A parent needs to be emotionally strong and commit to what is essentially weaning their child, so that they can become part of the community around them. Soothing their fears and communicating your eventual return is important, but consistency and frequency help children learn that they will not be abandoned.

Separation and divorce bring separation anxiety to another level. Now, the emotional catalyst for the anxiety is on the parent’s shoulders, because they caused it. I made the mistake of comforting myself through the children, and fortunately it was only a brief period. Placing my emotions, looking for comfort through my children was a burden far too great for them, and can have detrimental effects for the development. I learned, through the help of an excellent mental health professional, how to grieve and let go of the anger caused by divorce. Using the children as a emotional crutch would never have allowed me to heal and “move on” with my current emotional relationship.

Finding the ways to cope with loss helped me overcome the trauma of divorce, and allowed me the emotional well-being to help my children deal with loss. I express my feelings and show them that it is healthy to express their feelings. Of course, it hurts when they are sad or angry. Their feelings mirror the same feeling when they were young and needed to understand that I would never abandon them. The separation is only temporary. Today, they are much better at expressing their feelings and understanding that we will always be together, just not every day.