Back-to-School

Back-to-School; The Return of Blogging Season

The end of summer, not officially of course, is here; the kids are in school, and our favorite TV shows will be reappearing. This also marks the beginning of another season of blogging about being a Dad that spends a good deal of his time taking care of his children.

This season is about divorce and how to handle the many areas of concern when little ones are involved. Divorce is like having a death in the family, there is a deep sense of emotional loss for everyone concerned. I have recently gone through a divorce, and this is first hand experience, not expert knowledge. If you are looking for expert advice, find a great therapist. In the Tampa Bay area, Harmony Us is one of the best. Outside of Tampa and Florida, I suggest going to PsychologyToday  to find an expert in your area. You can also check with your health insurance to see which provider can best suit your needs. An easy search for therapists begins with location and whether or not they take children or handle divorce.

There are many stages of divorce and a great deal happens prior to the judge signing off on the stack of papers declaring the marriage over. In the coming weeks, I will be focusing on those stages that the parents, as well as the children, encounter during a typical day. I will also try to keep each post relevant for readers not going through divorce, because there are parenting strategies used that help everyone, regardless of their situation. Again, I am not an expert. Writing this blog reinforces my knowledge about the situation I am in, and it helps me further my research into other parenting techniques I was not aware of.

Household Rules

Until recently, the household rules I established for my children have been rolling around in my head, inconsistently enforced, and never written down for anyone to see, which led to many behavioral issues around the home. They had no problems at school, where there are many rules and they follow them very well. I struggled to understand why they were having a hard time at home. And the reason was that they needed an environment where they knew their boundaries. Much of my failing to implement this comes from being in survival mode after a stressful divorce and transition period. I didn’t want to be the disciplinarian, especially after a traumatic event for the children. However, I learned and saw their resilience during this period, and knew a routine, during what must seem to them a chaotic life, going between two homes, would deliver a sense of security.

With the help of my partner, and my counselor, we were able to create a short list of rules and daily chores for the kids to follow, and a rewards/punishment system for them, as well. We charted out the rules prior to meeting with the kids, so we could have a clear understanding of what we wanted to achieve, what environment would be good for them and us. After having our list, we sat down with the kids for a family conference.

One of the ways to have kids buy-in with rules is to have them participate in making them, giving them ownership of their ideas and behavior. We had our list, and, within five minutes, they had three of the five rules we made. Each rule was discussed at length. Examples of good behavior were discussed, and current poor behavior that went against the rules. One of our rules, not one they thought of, is respect each other, and the goal is to put an end to the bickering and name calling in the home. Simple and to the point. Elaborate or lengthy rules are difficult for young children to understand, and difficult for parents to enforce. The list is in big letters on poster board for them to easily read.

The reward/punishment system ties into their allowance, and eliminates their getting gifts regardless of their behavior. They earn their allowance, and lose a portion of it when they fail to follow the rules or complete their chores. Several goals behind the reward system are to encourage proper behavior, reinforce proper behavior, and understand consequences for improper behavior. Follow a rule, get rewarded. Break a rule, take away reward. The taking away is the hardest part, and results in varying degrees of drama, but they will learn, just like they have at school.

It’s not a lot of money, which also ties into my goal of them learning how to save money over time. While growing up, I had the opportunity to make money when I was 8, delivering newspapers with my brothers. I opened my savings account and deposited money with my dad every chance I could, until I was old enough to go to the arcade, but that is a whole other story. Saving money is difficult, especially for kids today, because they are bombarded with product messaging and impulse buying. These can be controlled, just like implementing rules, and provides them with a head start as adults.